Thanksgiving is supposed to be the Super Bowl of gratitude, a whole holiday built around saying “thank you,” eating carbohydrates, and pretending we all agree on politics (hah!).

But if you’re depressed (or just emotionally running on 3 percent battery), this week can feel less like a warm family gathering and more like a competitive sport where everyone else seems to have trained for months… and you have not.

Here’s the truth no one embroidered on a decorative pillow (maybe I should start a trend):

Gratitude is wonderful: but it’s not a cure, it’s not a commandment, and it’s definitely not a personality requirement.

And if gratitude feels forced this week, you’re not doing anything wrong.

When Gratitude Feels Forced (And What That Actually Means)

People love to say, “Just focus on the positives!” which, when you’re depressed, feels like being told to “just grow wings and fly.”

Gratitude culture sometimes forgets that mental health is not a mood you toggle on and off like a ceiling fan.

If gratitude feels sticky, heavy, or even irritating this week, it might mean:

• You’re overwhelmed or burned out
• You’re carrying invisible losses others don’t see
• You’re emotionally stretched thin
• You’re comparing your life to the highlight reel of the holiday

Here’s a moment I remember clearly:

In 2018, during residency, I sat at Thanksgiving barely holding myself together. I had just come off working nights. I was exhausted, depressed, and I hadn’t seen the sun in days. When it was my turn to say what I was grateful for, all I had was: I’m grateful no one died at work today, and I’m grateful I get to go to bed after this without cleaning up. I couldn’t feel gratitude at all that day. But I decided I could at least remember that it’s a good thing emotions and gratitude exist, even if I couldn’t feel them right then.

You Don’t Owe Anyone Your Joy

Thanksgiving gatherings have a funny way of turning into emotional performance art.

Everyone acts like they’ve never argued, nobody is tired, and every dish “turned out perfect.”

But you are allowed to be a full human being, not the Official Holiday Cheer Representative.

You don’t owe:

• a smile
• an upbeat attitude
• a beautifully wrapped list of “what’s going well”

Sometimes the bravest thing you can say is:

“Honestly, it’s been a tough year. I’m doing the best I can.”

Just last week, someone asked me how I was doing with my medical history and my lack of children. She asked it very loudly. In front of her entire family. And her young kids. I want to connect with her, I genuinely do, but giving a real answer in that moment was not going to happen. I’ve learned to let those moments go. I connect with people in the way they are looking for, and I hold the people who connect with me the way I want to be held as close as possible. For me, that’s my sister and my best friend. Life is better when you have someone to joke about the whole thing with afterward.

How to Protect Your Energy Before the Gathering

Think of yourself as a battery with a limited number of social minutes.

You don’t have to sprint in on 100 percent and collapse by dessert.

A few energy protection strategies:

1. Decide ahead of time what you will and will not talk about.

Set topics that are off limits for your own sanity: health, relationships, politics, your job, your symptoms, your plans for children. All of it. Say "I don't want to talk about that today, thank you." Practice it in the mirror.

2. Build in mini escapes.

A walk outside.
A trip to check something in the car.
Offering to do dishes so you can be alone for five quiet minutes.

My favorite social escape is to throw my husband under the bus and then sprint for the bathroom. He loves connecting with people. He will talk to anyone about anything, and he thrives on it. While he is happily chatting about the mysteries of life, I can take five minutes to breathe and maybe cry a little if I need to. If I really need an escape, I step outside. Feeling the sunshine and the breeze calms my spirit and lifts me back up again. The joke in our house is that between the two of us, he’s the golden retriever and I’m the cat who needs alone time to remember why I like people.

3. Don’t overextend yourself just because it’s tradition.

Tradition does not get to run your mental health into the ground. Don't let family pressure you into anything that you know you will take a long time to recover from. Boundaries are deeply personal and essential to true healing. 

What Real Gratitude Looks Like (Especially When You’re Struggling)

Real gratitude isn’t loud.
It isn’t performative.
It isn’t something you owe other people so they feel comfortable around you.

Real gratitude is small, quiet, and often private:

• “I’m grateful I made it through today.”
• “I’m grateful for the person who saw me when I felt invisible.”
• “I’m grateful for the strength that got me here, even when I didn’t feel strong.”

As I’ve gotten older, especially with my health issues, my gratitude list has gotten smaller and softer. I’m grateful I’m not in pain today. I’m grateful the sun came out for a few minutes. I’m grateful for my husband who encourages me every single day. I can’t always feel grateful, but I can always act grateful, and I can take the extra time to make sure the people in my life know that I see them and truly appreciate their presence. Taking a moment to enjoy the small things has made a huge difference in my mood.

You’re Allowed to Protect Your Peace

So here’s your reminder before the holiday begins:

You don’t owe anyone your joy.

You don’t have to fake emotional sunshine.

You’re allowed to protect your peace first.

This week, choose the version of Thanksgiving that supports your mental health, even if it’s smaller, quieter, or looks nothing like a Hallmark movie.

And if gratitude doesn’t come easily right now, there is nothing wrong with you.

You are human.

You are healing.

And that is enough.